December 2008
the line separating imagination and reality... or...
I want to take it all back. Despite the fun and the pleasantness of it all, I wish it never happened. Now I can’t live in this dreamland, can’t keep my head in the clouds. You’ve become unbearably there and all I want to do is put you back in my bubble of things that never truly exist.
stop being sad. stop
being sad. stop being sad.
stop being sad. stop
“They say that I will look back on all of this and laugh, knowing how ridiculous...”
-_-
My computer’s been acting up and HP’s tech support guy walked me through a full system recovery and … the problem still isn’t resolved.
Even though I thought I’d made a backup of everything, apparently, I didn’t, so I lost a ton of things. And then, after thinking that the system recovery solved the problem, I spent a day redoing my computer to my liking...
in wonderland
Andre Sanchez
magical colors and a fairy-tale land. i want to live in a kleidoscope.
Act One
Persona Non Grata.
Gui Brigaudiot
how we all come together
weekend
first i painted my nails:
and then found something lost:
and then i drank coffee:
and then i studied, studied, studied until my head cracked on the metaphorical pavement that is my finals.
cute kids
isn’t that kid cute? oh yeah, the shark is cool, too. artist is damien hirst. if you go see the exhibit, you’ll see that the mounts are starting to tear big holes in the flesh. methinks they’ll be needing another shark soon. sadly, preserving life forever never really is forever.
how close is too close?
Metropolitan Museum of Art, Chuck Close
lakewood church
i’m not a devout churchgoer by any means. those who know me understand my love-hate relationship with religion.
but there is no denying the magic of walking into this type of atmosphere and hearing voices sing. the ground shakes with the excitement and enthusiasm of all these people.
christmas!
I love December. I love the lights, I love the chill, I love everything about it.
I also love my school.
I went to the park this morning, hoping to run a mile or two and get my fatass into shape. However, the moment I went down the steps into Riverside park, I couldn’t move. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it was the smell, fresh dew in the city is hard to come by, but it made me want to slow it down a bit and wander, take in the sight of trees, grass, and dogs.
We’re living in...
Pros & Cons
to confessing this mind-numbing crush of mine:
Pro: It’ll finally stop bothering me and I’ll be able to research Van Meegeren in peace without that stupid voice telling me to confess. Con: You’ll react negatively and it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life. Pro: You’ll react positively and we’ll live happily ever after Con: You wont react at all and it’ll...
greatest fear at the very moment
you will look at me
and realize that i am not
who you thought i was
I’m trying not to base all of my emotions on the last conversation we had. M got it right. That’s what I’ve been doing and I can’t help myself. What you don’t say, I imagine you say. What you do say, I analyze until I can’t think.
It’s affecting everything.
Why did I let it blow up like this?
i have always been
just a little bit crazy
sorry, it’s just me
Slip Up #1 of the healing process
when you have a choice
to pick between me or them
you always choose them
rachel: we should throw out the trap
me: we need to replace them with non-lethal traps
me: bc having mice isn't a good thing
rachel: well, yeah
rachel: even a lethal trap but one that kills them instantly
me: yeah
me: poison traps?
me: i never used those at home
me: bc of my dog
me: but i think my suitemates would know
me: not to eat the mouse trap
rachel: AHAHAHA
rachel: hopefully
me: yeah
me: if they dont
me: no real loss right?
rachel: exactly
rachel: it would be doing the universe a favor, actually
rachel: If they're stupid enough to eat poisoned mouse food, you don't want them procreating
Watchjellywish:
“Welcome to our city - to our world - of books. This is where we live.”
Step Five of the healing process
I think I’m almost done getting over you. Just give me five more minutes.
Step Four of the healing process
1) Find any semi-attractive guy
2) Have sex with said semi-attractive guy
3) Tell you all about it
Step Three of the healing process
you don’t care at all
i think it would be better
if you hated me
Step Two of the healing process
Realizing that the burning feeling inside my spleen is jealousy and the screaming in my liver is possessiveness gone insane. I want to be number one, I want him to initiate all of our conversations, I want him to be affected by the hurtful things I have to say, I want him to want me more than I could ever want him.
I want to matter in his life, I want him to scream at me, I want him to hate me,...
Step One of the healing process
I have stopped caring
wondering, double checking
I will let you rest
places to do it (in no particular order)
In a glass elevator
In the ocean
In an open field
On the top of a mountain
On a desk in an office on the top floor of a building on Wall Street
In the backseat of a Rolls Royce
“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”
– Albert Smith
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable....”
– Neil Gaiman
i locked myself in.
collapsed on the bathroom floor.
then i cried and cried.
I'd rather ignorance.
Google image searching how I feel brings about some interesting results.
In my mind, I knew. I knew and I told myself it would be okay. Out of impulse, I asked. And now I know. I really, really know.
And it’s not okay.
My heart’s not functioning properly. It’s not even exploding or pounding. It’s slowing down, I can feel that fucker. It knows what’s going to happen. It knows what I want to do.
My life is ruined, anyways, so would it be so bad? I’ve just ensured myself living hell for the next three weeks. I don’t think I’ll make it through.
My heart, though. It...
pomegranates
are so good
Oh god, sweet relief.
I feel so ridiculous.
I take it all back.
Okay, whatever.
I’ll just stop bothering you.
Worth it, you are not.