i’ve been lying to my doctors

i haven’t taken my meds in over a year.  and when they ask if i’ve had suicidal thoughts, i lie and say i haven’t, because i know if i say i have, i won’t be able to go back to school.  and i think when i finally have my degree, then i can stop and rest and think about my problems and talk to therapists about the various ways i’ve imagined killing myself and what i’ve tried to do and how it feels to be so lost and anxious and crazy.

why don’t i just take them again?  i don’t know.  i’m scared.  i stopped taking them because for 5 months i couldn’t afford to buy my medication.  and i’m working really hard right now to be fine without meds and i think, for the time being, i’m okay.  i have episodes but i am still functioning.  i just know that the last time i went back on medication, i felt even more suicidal.  it’s always when i start my meds again that i end up in the hospital. and then they stabilize me on the meds and i’m fine, but something happens that i need to stop taking them and then i get used to not taking them and i feel like if i start taking them again now that it will mess me up and right now i can’t really afford to be messed up.

i can’t concentrate.

Jan 21. 6 Notes.

Notes

  1. thekingofcupssexpectsapicnic said: I’m sorry you’re going through that. I hope you can find a way to get back on the meds and be ok without deteriorating. Can you talk to a therapist about this? They can’t keep you from going to school.
  2. rorodoll said: I get it..
  3. aikobot posted this