single again

he had sex with one of his coworkers.  i’m now the pathetic ex-girlfriend who got cheated on.  he told me he thinks he might love her.  i feel so stupid.  i was always certain i would never forgive someone who cheated on me, but at the moment, all i wanted was for him to tell me he loved me so i could take him back and we could possibly get through this.

but no.  he doesn’t even want me anymore.  i asked him if he wanted to break up and he said yes.

i’m.

i don’t know.

i don’t think it’s possible for me to cry anymore?

i’m getting drunk and staying with my best friend.  don’t know what i’ll do if i’m alone.  it figures that this happens to me in the middle of midterms month.  he didn’t even have the courtesy to wait until spring break.

what do i do.  i want to do a violent outburst on facebook, i want to call him out on being an asshole, but all i can think about is how can he do this to me?  he told me he loved me, asked me to marry him, made me trust him.

how can he do this to me?

thekingofcupssexpectsapicnic replied to your post: i’ve been lying to my doctors

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I hope you can find a way to get back on the meds and be ok without deteriorating. Can you talk to a therapist about this? They can’t keep you from going to school.

Well, I was on a leave of absence and my readmission was on condition that my doctor wrote me a note supporting my return.  I was ready to go back to school for the spring 2010 semester and my therapist had promised me a note.  I mean, I was completely honest with her about everything and come September, she said she wasn’t going to write me a note because she didn’t feel I was ready.

So since then, I’ve sort of been lying about how I was doing because I didn’t want my doctor to say I couldn’t go back.

Now that I’m back in, I’m looking to find a therapist that isn’t associated with the school.  I feel like if I talk to the therapists working in the school counseling center, they’ll tell me I need to go on leave again or something.

i’ve been lying to my doctors

i haven’t taken my meds in over a year.  and when they ask if i’ve had suicidal thoughts, i lie and say i haven’t, because i know if i say i have, i won’t be able to go back to school.  and i think when i finally have my degree, then i can stop and rest and think about my problems and talk to therapists about the various ways i’ve imagined killing myself and what i’ve tried to do and how it feels to be so lost and anxious and crazy.

why don’t i just take them again?  i don’t know.  i’m scared.  i stopped taking them because for 5 months i couldn’t afford to buy my medication.  and i’m working really hard right now to be fine without meds and i think, for the time being, i’m okay.  i have episodes but i am still functioning.  i just know that the last time i went back on medication, i felt even more suicidal.  it’s always when i start my meds again that i end up in the hospital. and then they stabilize me on the meds and i’m fine, but something happens that i need to stop taking them and then i get used to not taking them and i feel like if i start taking them again now that it will mess me up and right now i can’t really afford to be messed up.

i can’t concentrate.

in the first month of my leave of absence from school, my parents didn’t understand.  they would yell at me to do something, do anything, and all i wanted was to sleep and feel nothing.  i wanted silence.  sometimes when they would yell, i would take beauty out to the back patio and put a towel on the ground and we would lie there together for hours on end.  the night air was always so crisp and refreshing and even though it was texas, winter nights were still numbing.  beauty understood.  i didn’t have to say anything and she understood.  she was just a calming presence and she’d stay with me so i didn’t feel so alone and helpless.

in that year, i was prone to ruminations and suicidal ideations.  and sometimes i would cry like when i got into a fight with my dad that i couldn’t handle, i’d run into my bathroom and rock myself and cry and try not to hurt myself and beauty would be there.

i miss hugging her.

march 2nd this year, i got into a fight with my sister and my dad about beauty.  i don’t remember what happened exactly, i think my sister and i were fighting about something from the day before.  i had to bring beauty to see the vet because she was shaking and turning around and running into things.  it was like she was just so dizzy and drunk.  i don’t know what we fought about but it triggered me into a spiral and maybe i wasn’t taking my anti-depressants because that day was, in my mind, the last day.

i took beauty to the vet and got meds for her and brought her home and hugged her and got into my car and drove. i kept driving down i-10 west until all i saw was country and nothing looked familiar and then i pulled into a parking lot and took all the pills i’d been hoarding in my bag.  i don’t remember what happened after that, the next 3 days were just flashes.  feeling so distanced and uncoordinated and not able to drive straight.  i kept running off the road.  one man stopped and asked if i was okay.  a police officer gave me directions.  ihop.  my mom driving me to the emergency room.  my crazy roommate in some psych hospital waking me up all the time.  constant thirst.  a large indian doctor saying something about acute kidney failure.  ambulance.  emt who looked like he should be in high school asking me questions i couldn’t answer.  that cheap blue sheet they put over my legs were making me sweaty.  they were playing some conservative radio station in the front.

i think that was when things changed for me.  coming home about a week later and seeing beauty waiting for me.  i met sean and he made me happy and that was a feeling i’d been missing for a long time.  i clung to him.  i clung to him and forgot about my dog, who was always there for me in those dark times.  i found happiness and i forgot about her.  i moved out and didn’t take her with me.  i wasn’t there when her health started rapidly declining.

near the end all her senses were gone.  i don’t even know if she could smell anymore.

i don’t know if she knew i was there.